Bathing Suits - Try or Die? Confessions from the Dressing Room

Have you ever heard tears coming from the next room over while in the dressing room? You know they're not tears of joy... You begin thinking to yourself - What's going on in there?

Suddenly, you feel it in the pit of your stomach - you're feeling the room get smaller as you feel the gleaming white lights surrounding you.... you look in the mirror at yourself and say...

Ohhhhhh Myyyyyyyy GODDDDDD! It must be bathing suit season!

Your stomach turns inside out, you feel a bead of sweat on your forehead and your heart beats faster. You know exactly what pain she is going through.  You're not getting fatter - the bathing suits are getting smaller.

Suddenly, from the other directions you hear "OMG, look at my thighs - they are so big in this - I'm gonna need to work out more!"

You sneak a peek over the dressing room door (or crack it open for my shorter FG's) and see a skinny bitch doing her little catwalk in the hallway of the dressing room. There isn't an ounce of fat any where on her body - yet she's pinching her skin and discussing her "fatness" with her other skinny friend who is doing the same thing.

The tears well up in your eyes - you become homicidal, wanting to smack the shit out of the skinny women in the hallway (which won't be difficult, because they obviously don't eat so it would be quick anyways) - your heart aches for the other women who are in their little dressing rooms of hell, waiting for a break to make a quick exit....

Yes, that is just the beginning of FG hell. What else is wrong with dressing rooms which makes it a HORRIBLY TRAUMATIC event for pretty much every girl.....

Size of the Dressing Room
Who decided to make them a 3ft by 3ft square? It sucks to be trying on something and you hit your elbows on the wall, or push your ass up against the door. It also makes it difficult cause your trying to balance on your shoes since your momma always told you not to let your bare feet touch the floor!!! And, you don't want to go in the handicap room because your guilty conscience tells you some handicap person will be trying something on and it's all your fault.

Lighting
Bright, white lights are NOT natural lighting. Really, who wears a bathing suit in a flourescent light? Or anything for that matter, since even the lighting at work isnt that HARSH. The only thing that lighting is good for is noticing every imperfection in my nekkedness in that glass thing on the wall... It sucks when you notice something in a mirror in a dressing room and try to get closer but your balancing on your shoes in a 3ft square room....

Doors
What about doors that lock? Not latches, not hook eyes, not my fat ass pushed up against the door to keep it closed. Doors that have working locks - with a strike plate, latch, the whole 9 yards!! Maybe even a sign outside that says "occupado - do not knock, do not look under the door, etc" Honestly - if it's closed, it's being used.... dont try to push it, etc (kinda like a bathroom stall - another blog!)

The Help
Yes, I know you are just doing your job. But must you look at every piece of clothing I am trying on to "count" them so you know how many I'm taking in? Cause you're not doing your job and counting them as I take them out - so how do you really know if I just left the bathing suit on, or stuffed something down my pants? Or the ever annoying "how's it going in there?" Do you hear me grunting? Obviously, I am not the size I thought I am, which is why I'm laying on the floor trying to get the button done... But thanks for asking me how it's going!!

Mirrors
My arch enemy - I swear most dressing room have the trick mirrors from the Funhouse at your local amusement park. Honestly, I look okay in some, fat in others. When I get home - everything looks bad. Cause I have a normal mirror at home. One that I bought at Walmart for $5 with tax - every FG should own one of these - when I win millions I will buy every house a mirror :) Ok, back to the mirrors. There are some stores that have lights AROUND the mirrors (Marshalls) and that's when my other personality comes out that wants to smash them. Honestly, lights around mirrors? That's great for stage makeup which is useful when I'm scaling the walls like spiderman to see my flaws in the mirror at the dressing room...

The Perfect Dressing Room

It's carpeted. The door is a full length door that closes completely and locks.
It's about 6ft by 6ft - enough to fit a small couch or loveseat in for my fat ass to relax on while I'm trying to catch my breath.
There's towels and cold drinks on ice in the corner - I need to wipe the sweat off my brow and rehydrate after that adventure.
There's a radio in the corner with all kinds of music - so I can be entertained and block out the noise of me grunting to get the pants on... or off...
There's several buttons on the wall - one to dim the lights, one to make the mirror "normal" and one to remove the clothes you just tried on that someone obviously mislabeled, because that is not a 1x!!!
There's a gay man waiting to give you his honest opinion and a straight male massage therapist for those "stressful moments".
Separate sections for skinny and FG's so you don't have to hear any complaints from those skinny girls...


Ahhh, only in a perfect world!!!