Bathing Suits - to wear, or not to wear?

Alrighty folks, now that bathing suit season is practically over, I think I can officially rant about buying bathing suits this year. Yes, I dropped 20 lbs and therefore my bathing suit size has changed...

It still has to be the worst experience in my short life...

Since I go to the fat girls section in practically every store, I can tell you from experience that bathing suits are not flattering on anyone that belongs in the fat girl section. Here are some reasons why:

1. Never, ever ever say yes to a bikini! No matter how confident you are, bikinis should not come in 2x or higher! You wanna feel "hip and cool" - buy a tankini - follow directions below
2. Flowers are not flattering if they are 6 inches in diameter... nor are they flattering when they are 1 inch and you require 40 of them to go around your waist...
3. Stripes, whether horizontal, vertical, diagonal - do not belong on a FG because...well, they make you look fatter! Isn't the goal here to look good, look skinnier?

Now, this past month, I took a week long vacation at Hampton Beach and saw more FG's wearing inappropriate bathing suits than ever. When did it become a trend that we could go out looking like fools?!?! We are not here to be mean ladies... but cover up the rolls girl!! Save that shit for your man at home, when the lights are out - I do not want to see that while I'm trying to de-stress!!! More examples:

1. If you are older than 50, and your bathing suit is older than your first born - don't wear it in public. Stretch marks are not nice to see - stretch marks in bathing suits? SHOULD NOT BE SEEN!
2. If you are a FG and wear a tankini (like me) buy your size - not the size you wish you were or think you will fit in by the end of the summer to wear now. This is important for several reasons:
1. Your top needs to cover your bottom. Bottoms should not be hidden under flesh or rolls of flesh - this makes us wonder if you actually bottoms on....
1. Which leads to us question if we are on some bizarro "bottomless" beach instead of a topless one - and trust me, if we truly were there - we would NOT be looking at you!
2. Your bottom needs to cover your bottom - thongs don't work too well in covering the bottom. If you get confused, refer to #1 right above this.
1. And honestly ladies, picking your bottoms out of your bottom every 5 feet is not only not attractive, but it's unsanitary and requires frequent handwashing (not in the ocean/pool!) 
3. Keep those girls at BAY!! There are plenty of stores that sell tankini tops with built in bras in them (I own a few) - if you have a bra size that could fit two children's heads in each cup - buy a built in bra. It makes it a lot easier than worrying about the ladies giving everyone a show!

Well, I think I've spoken my peace and educated all my FG's alike about wearing bathing suits - next time, trying on bathing suits!! Talks about some confessions...

***And while I'm standing on my soapbox - LADIES AND GENTLEMEN ALIKE!!! You know you picked out a good bathing suit, and look damn good in it too. What else do you need to look even better?? SPF - and make it a good one. Look for something with both UVA and UVB protectant so that you can look hot and sexy in bathing suit!!! I just thought of another blog idea.... Leather and bikinis, not so much!

LOVE YA!