Fatties in a booth & being "rare"

I know I havent posted in a while... have had a lot of things going on in my personal life but will try to post more often...

So last night, after a sweat inducing Yoga Booty Ballet workout, another FG and I decided to do dinner out at TGIFriday's

(On a side note I have to explain why TGIFriday's. I saw my PCP yesterday cause they're thinking I'm anemic after having some god forsaken womanly issues that could be considered a crime scene by some... I digress...)

So a friend of the family told me I looked pale... why yes, I am normally a pale person, so my reply to this was...your point? She commented I look paler than normal...I told her it's probably because I'm hitting vampire status with the lack of blood flow going through my body...

So the doctor yesterday comments the same thing... and then proceeds to send me for blood work to rule out any issues...

Woah, wait...blood work? You just told me I was pale...do I have enough blood to give? Am I going to bleed out??

Needless to say, I was dizzy while giving the blood but didnt bruise post "donation" like I normally do.... cause I'm down about 3 quarts or so!!!

Anyways, the doctor told me to eat lots of rare red meat this week to help boost my iron counts...

TWIST MY ARM!! I love meat RARE!!

So, back to the TGIFriday's adventure...

Yes, we could have gone to Longhorn, Texas Roadhouse, whatever but we chose TGIFriday's...

BIG MISTAKE!!

First, they tried to stick two FG's in a booth like table. I know I hide my fatness well (BULL) but honestly...the skinny bitch who sat us didnt realize that I can't just push it aside...

Fortunately, the table was able to move and be adjusted to fit boobs, fat rolls, etc etc...

Then the skinny bitch waitress comes over and looks at me like I have 6 heads when I ask for a gluten free menu...

My internal dialogue starts

Yes, I'm fat... No, I know that gluten free does not = healthy but I can't eat gluten or I'll get sick so can you please just get me the fuckin menu before I explode??

I order a steak... when she asks how I like it, I said...and I quote...

"RARE - slap it on the grill to cook the outside and bring it out"

Another 3-headed look...

Ok, seriously enough of that. I'm hungry, I need Iron and I'm a FG

Don't look at me funny cause you don't like your meat cooked that way. 

Fortunately, the people in the kitchen understood my "vampire" needs and were willing to lightly grill the outside

The joys of a fat girl...

Food babies

Ever hear a skinny bitch talk about her food baby after eating? You know, cause her stomach is so full that it is protruding, similar to that of a pregnant woman? I have and it makes me want to stab them.

Why?

Because after a good shat, said food baby will be gone.

For fat girls?

Said food baby travels to hips or thighs...or if your one of the lucky few.... arm, chins or toes...

Tonight, we ventured to a chinese buffet. First, we were the minority because chinese people eat chinese food.... in large quantities...and are skinny.... maybe I should look into that with extensive research!

On an off note, maybe its the culture, but the restaurant was full of rude people. Old men hitting on young chinese women (and by hitting on I mean being culturally inappropriate and making fun of their accents) and people plowing you down to get to the buffet...

As a fattie, I enjoy food...however, I am not rude enough to plow down people carrying their plates of food and if I do bump into someone, I apologize..

Honestly, with these hips, I could take out each and every of them on my way to the buffet, but I was raised to be courteous and I will move aside or shift my position. But these people were insane!

So back to the food baby...fatties get food babies, however its like an episode of "I didn't know that I was pregnant" and we hide it well. We do however shat out the food, but the fat content has a mind of its own and wants to remain snug in our bodies...unable to cut the cord. We are like elephants, and the fat remains in our bodies for a minimum of 40 months....unless we try some fad diet....

Another blog about diets....

Bathing Suits - Try or Die? Confessions from the Dressing Room

Have you ever heard tears coming from the next room over while in the dressing room? You know they're not tears of joy... You begin thinking to yourself - What's going on in there?

Suddenly, you feel it in the pit of your stomach - you're feeling the room get smaller as you feel the gleaming white lights surrounding you.... you look in the mirror at yourself and say...

Ohhhhhh Myyyyyyyy GODDDDDD! It must be bathing suit season!

Your stomach turns inside out, you feel a bead of sweat on your forehead and your heart beats faster. You know exactly what pain she is going through.  You're not getting fatter - the bathing suits are getting smaller.

Suddenly, from the other directions you hear "OMG, look at my thighs - they are so big in this - I'm gonna need to work out more!"

You sneak a peek over the dressing room door (or crack it open for my shorter FG's) and see a skinny bitch doing her little catwalk in the hallway of the dressing room. There isn't an ounce of fat any where on her body - yet she's pinching her skin and discussing her "fatness" with her other skinny friend who is doing the same thing.

The tears well up in your eyes - you become homicidal, wanting to smack the shit out of the skinny women in the hallway (which won't be difficult, because they obviously don't eat so it would be quick anyways) - your heart aches for the other women who are in their little dressing rooms of hell, waiting for a break to make a quick exit....

Yes, that is just the beginning of FG hell. What else is wrong with dressing rooms which makes it a HORRIBLY TRAUMATIC event for pretty much every girl.....

Size of the Dressing Room
Who decided to make them a 3ft by 3ft square? It sucks to be trying on something and you hit your elbows on the wall, or push your ass up against the door. It also makes it difficult cause your trying to balance on your shoes since your momma always told you not to let your bare feet touch the floor!!! And, you don't want to go in the handicap room because your guilty conscience tells you some handicap person will be trying something on and it's all your fault.

Lighting
Bright, white lights are NOT natural lighting. Really, who wears a bathing suit in a flourescent light? Or anything for that matter, since even the lighting at work isnt that HARSH. The only thing that lighting is good for is noticing every imperfection in my nekkedness in that glass thing on the wall... It sucks when you notice something in a mirror in a dressing room and try to get closer but your balancing on your shoes in a 3ft square room....

Doors
What about doors that lock? Not latches, not hook eyes, not my fat ass pushed up against the door to keep it closed. Doors that have working locks - with a strike plate, latch, the whole 9 yards!! Maybe even a sign outside that says "occupado - do not knock, do not look under the door, etc" Honestly - if it's closed, it's being used.... dont try to push it, etc (kinda like a bathroom stall - another blog!)

The Help
Yes, I know you are just doing your job. But must you look at every piece of clothing I am trying on to "count" them so you know how many I'm taking in? Cause you're not doing your job and counting them as I take them out - so how do you really know if I just left the bathing suit on, or stuffed something down my pants? Or the ever annoying "how's it going in there?" Do you hear me grunting? Obviously, I am not the size I thought I am, which is why I'm laying on the floor trying to get the button done... But thanks for asking me how it's going!!

Mirrors
My arch enemy - I swear most dressing room have the trick mirrors from the Funhouse at your local amusement park. Honestly, I look okay in some, fat in others. When I get home - everything looks bad. Cause I have a normal mirror at home. One that I bought at Walmart for $5 with tax - every FG should own one of these - when I win millions I will buy every house a mirror :) Ok, back to the mirrors. There are some stores that have lights AROUND the mirrors (Marshalls) and that's when my other personality comes out that wants to smash them. Honestly, lights around mirrors? That's great for stage makeup which is useful when I'm scaling the walls like spiderman to see my flaws in the mirror at the dressing room...

The Perfect Dressing Room

It's carpeted. The door is a full length door that closes completely and locks.
It's about 6ft by 6ft - enough to fit a small couch or loveseat in for my fat ass to relax on while I'm trying to catch my breath.
There's towels and cold drinks on ice in the corner - I need to wipe the sweat off my brow and rehydrate after that adventure.
There's a radio in the corner with all kinds of music - so I can be entertained and block out the noise of me grunting to get the pants on... or off...
There's several buttons on the wall - one to dim the lights, one to make the mirror "normal" and one to remove the clothes you just tried on that someone obviously mislabeled, because that is not a 1x!!!
There's a gay man waiting to give you his honest opinion and a straight male massage therapist for those "stressful moments".
Separate sections for skinny and FG's so you don't have to hear any complaints from those skinny girls...


Ahhh, only in a perfect world!!!

Bathing Suits - to wear, or not to wear?

Alrighty folks, now that bathing suit season is practically over, I think I can officially rant about buying bathing suits this year. Yes, I dropped 20 lbs and therefore my bathing suit size has changed...

It still has to be the worst experience in my short life...

Since I go to the fat girls section in practically every store, I can tell you from experience that bathing suits are not flattering on anyone that belongs in the fat girl section. Here are some reasons why:

1. Never, ever ever say yes to a bikini! No matter how confident you are, bikinis should not come in 2x or higher! You wanna feel "hip and cool" - buy a tankini - follow directions below
2. Flowers are not flattering if they are 6 inches in diameter... nor are they flattering when they are 1 inch and you require 40 of them to go around your waist...
3. Stripes, whether horizontal, vertical, diagonal - do not belong on a FG because...well, they make you look fatter! Isn't the goal here to look good, look skinnier?

Now, this past month, I took a week long vacation at Hampton Beach and saw more FG's wearing inappropriate bathing suits than ever. When did it become a trend that we could go out looking like fools?!?! We are not here to be mean ladies... but cover up the rolls girl!! Save that shit for your man at home, when the lights are out - I do not want to see that while I'm trying to de-stress!!! More examples:

1. If you are older than 50, and your bathing suit is older than your first born - don't wear it in public. Stretch marks are not nice to see - stretch marks in bathing suits? SHOULD NOT BE SEEN!
2. If you are a FG and wear a tankini (like me) buy your size - not the size you wish you were or think you will fit in by the end of the summer to wear now. This is important for several reasons:
1. Your top needs to cover your bottom. Bottoms should not be hidden under flesh or rolls of flesh - this makes us wonder if you actually bottoms on....
1. Which leads to us question if we are on some bizarro "bottomless" beach instead of a topless one - and trust me, if we truly were there - we would NOT be looking at you!
2. Your bottom needs to cover your bottom - thongs don't work too well in covering the bottom. If you get confused, refer to #1 right above this.
1. And honestly ladies, picking your bottoms out of your bottom every 5 feet is not only not attractive, but it's unsanitary and requires frequent handwashing (not in the ocean/pool!) 
3. Keep those girls at BAY!! There are plenty of stores that sell tankini tops with built in bras in them (I own a few) - if you have a bra size that could fit two children's heads in each cup - buy a built in bra. It makes it a lot easier than worrying about the ladies giving everyone a show!

Well, I think I've spoken my peace and educated all my FG's alike about wearing bathing suits - next time, trying on bathing suits!! Talks about some confessions...

***And while I'm standing on my soapbox - LADIES AND GENTLEMEN ALIKE!!! You know you picked out a good bathing suit, and look damn good in it too. What else do you need to look even better?? SPF - and make it a good one. Look for something with both UVA and UVB protectant so that you can look hot and sexy in bathing suit!!! I just thought of another blog idea.... Leather and bikinis, not so much!

LOVE YA!

When a fat girl feels skinny...

So tonight, my co-contributor and friend, the binzer, went to a Jordan Knight concert. Since hitting our dreadful thirtieth year, we have felt the need to relive our childhood and spend lots of money and time on our beloved New Kids on the Block. It has been worth every penny and second of our lives, and we may just quit our jobs and become NKOTB groupies.

On that wonderful dreamy note, we need to discuss our concerns with our fellow "FG's" and their apparent lack of full length mirrors or decent friends. Honestly, if I won the lottery tomorrow, I would purchase full length mirros for every household. 

Some examples:
If your chest area requires it's own zip code due to square footage, I don't want to see mile markers. Cover that shit up!

If you are in a size with a double digit, and the first number is a 2, sequins are not your friends when placed in wide vertical lines with flower print behind them. It makes it hard to focus on anything but your uncoordinated body moving and shining in the light.

While we are reliving our childhood, there are some thing that should remain in the decade it was most popular. These include, but are not limited to scrunchies, white jean miniskirts, and the "poof"...

As a fat girl, I understand the need/want/burning desire to look good. However, when you wear clothes that are not flattering to your body shape, you give the rest of us a bad name.

I'm all for a personal sense of style, but if Carson Kressly was at the concert this evening, I truly believe he would have shaken his head in shame at the fashion faux pas that were clearly evident this evening.
So please, all "FG's" let's help each other out!!